Sometimes the help that seems so useful can turn into more of a hindrance when someone tries to help too much. Then, rather than being helped and guided, you can feel controlled and led. The process can occur very gradually, and the path from help to hell can be paved with good intentions. But the net result is you end up feeling trapped and just want to get away. The trap seems so enticing in the beginning— you feel like you’re getting a great tasting treat. However, in time, the helper turns into the hunter and you become their prey.
That’s what happened to Marvin after he joined a company’s training department. He began working on developing a training program for the customer service department, which had recently set up a call center with customer service reps in different areas of the country. His job was to create an online series of classes that these reps could access to learn what to do. His supervisor, Ann, provided his initial instruction on how to write these programs, which combined descriptions of techniques with role-play practice and take-it-yourself quizzes to see how you’re doing. She then left him a detailed instruction manual, before flying across the country to work with other program developers at another office. Thus, Marvin was left pretty much on his own with the deadline she gave him, and as he wrote up his ideas for what to include in the program, he felt increasingly lost. Though he knew how to write, he didn’t know what to say, since he was unfamiliar with call centers and the detailed manual only made him feel more confused. He wasn’t sure what was important to feature and how to set up the role plays and quizzes.
Enter Fred, who at first seemed like a helpful savior. Fred, also in the training department, had been developing these programs for a year, so he knew how to write them, and he had even worked in a call center before. "So let me help you," he offered, after he heard Marvin complain in the office lunchroom that he felt lost.
Marvin was delighted for the support, and at first everything seemed fine. Fred showed Marvin an example of one of his own completed training programs, and gave him tips on how to phrase his questions and write up the role play practices. "Just imagine you are a call center operator, and think of various situations you might encounter when a customer calls," Fred told him. Then, Fred suggested a few scenarios Marvin might use, drawing on his past experience in customer service, so Marvin only had to write them up. When he was done, Marvin showed his program to Fred, glad for his help, and when Fred made a few suggestions for minor changes in the dialogue, Marvin quickly made them. After all, he figured, Fred must know more, since he’s been here longer, though he thought the suggested changes were more a matter of style, such as making one of the characters in a scenario a few years older and more authoritative.
But then, as Marvin felt a growing confidence in what he was doing now that he had a model to follow, problems developed. Since Fred had expressed interest in seeing the next lessons that Marvin wrote up, Marvin continued to copy Fred when he sent off his lessons to the IT specialist, who was putting the programs he wrote online. To Marvin, copying Fred was a kind of courtesy, a way of saying "Thanks for all your past help." But Fred continued to give him feedback, suggesting additional changes—"to make it even better," Fred urged.
Initially Marvin complied, thinking yes, he did want to make his work even better, while at the same time, wondering if Fred’s additions were really necessary. Yet, since Fred had been so helpful and knowledgeable in the beginning, he felt he should go along with Fred’s suggestions for that reason; plus he felt if he turned down Fred’s input now, Fred might be offended. Sure, some of Fred’s advice was good, but Marvin wasn’t sure he still needed it; he had developed his own style. So as the days went on, more and more he felt he was making changes to please Fred, not because they were necessary. And more and more, Marvin began to feel like he was doing the project under Fred’s control and supervision; he had let his need for help and his eagerness to show his appreciation lead him into a trap.
Meanwhile, Ann, who had gotten copies of his work, said she liked what he had been doing and that she would be back in the office soon to discuss the current project and possible new ones. Her impending arrival made Marvin feel even more tense—like he had to decide now what to do about Fred and whether he should say anything to Ann about how he felt. After all, Fred had been so helpful once. Would it be like a betrayal of Fred if he complained now?
What Should Marvin Do?
Here are some possibilities. In Marvin’s place, what would you have done or do now and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be?
- Talk to Ann when she returns, tell her about the problem, and ask her what to do.
- Have a heart-to-heart talk with Fred to tell him that you are uncomfortable with his continued help and find out why he has been going out of the way to help you so much.
- Tell Fred you appreciate his past help but feel you know what you are doing now, so you don’t need any more help, without going into detail to explain why.
- Let Fred continue to give advice, but don’t take it, so he soon gets the message you don’t need any more help.
- Avoid talking to Fred as much as possible, and eventually he’ll stop offering suggestions, so the problem will eventually go away.
- Other?
Marvin may have many reasonable options, but his goal should be to end getting the no longer wanted or needed help from Fred as diplomatically and gracefully as possible. He doesn’t necessarily need to find out Fred’s reasons for wanting to continue to help either—in fact, making an issue of them could create an even more uncomfortable situation.
Fred might want to help for a number of different reasons. He could be angling to become a supervisor and is doing what he might do in this role after a promotion. He could be a person who feels a strong need to be needed. He could have a personal interest in Marvin and hopes that by helping he might kindle an off-the-job relationship. He could simply enjoy the feeling of power and control. However, in this case, trying to find out "why" isn’t necessary. In fact, trying to find out why could open up doors you don’t want to enter; it could lead you to places you don’t want to go. "Why" can be like fishing in dark murky waters, and sometimes you can pull up all sorts of things from the bottom that are better left below, such as personal agendas that could prove embarrassing.
Bringing Ann into the mix might also contribute to escalating the situation, not a good choice since Marvin did initially get some very useful help that helped him gain Ann’s praise for doing a good job. Ignoring the situation by seeming to play along with Fred but not using his advice or trying to avoid him could lead to misunderstandings, too. That’s because the sudden change in Marvin’s response to Fred could leave Fred puzzled and hurt, and Fred might initiate a confrontation with Marvin to find out what’s going on.
Rather, probably the best approach is for Marvin to find some way to show his sincere appreciation for Fred’s initial help—whether by giving him a heartfelt thanks or some small gift of appreciation, perhaps around the time of Ann’s arrival. But at the same time, Marvin could quietly say that he feels additional help is no longer needed, since he knows what to do now. Then to add some honey to make the words of separation go down more smoothly he might ask if he can call on Fred’s assistance in the future if needed. In short, this approach provides a gentle way to say "thanks" for what Fred did in the past and tell him "Maybe you can help in the future," but for now the sign says: "No help needed now."
Likewise, if you are in a similar situation with an overly helpful coworker or colleague, be ready to accept the initial help if you need it. Why turn it down because you are worrying about what could happen in the future, since you really don’t know what will occur? The person could simply proffer the help you need, then gracefully stop helping when you are ready to go on your own (unless this is part of a recurring pattern, and in that case it may be best to find an alternate source of help if possible).
But then, once you feel you don’t need any further help, don’t feel obligated to continue accepting it, whether you feel the person is knowledgeable or feel he or she might be hurt if you turn down an offer for help. Then find a comfortable, casual way to express your gratitude for the past help you have received and indicate that you hope you might be able to ask for help again in the future if necessary, but for now you don’t need any more. In most cases, that should be a supportive, nonthreatening way to end the problem—showing appreciation at the same time that you pull back.
Today’s Take-Aways:
- Don’t let help turn into hell!!! If you feel someone is helping too much find a gentle way to say thanks for then, but now no thanks.
- When someone tries to help you too much, he or she could have a multitude of reasons, but you don’t need to know them—and often it is better not to know or try to find out.
- Think of help like a lifeline—it’s great when you need it, since it can pull you out of a tight spot. But if the lifeline gets too long, it can turn into a rope that can strangle you.
- Too much help can turn into a trap that keeps you stuck and dependent on the helper, who can becomes like a captor or jailor. So if you fall into the trap or see it closing in on you, get out as quickly as you can. Leave the palace before it turns into a prison; turn the knob on the door to leave before the handle comes off or you lose the key.