You probably know the give-and-take paradox very well. Regardless of your occupation, someone may ask you to use your skill to do something for him or her. Or you may ask someone to use his or her skill to help you out. The problem comes in distinguishing when you should help out or expect the other person to help as a favor, and when that help becomes a service for which you or the other person should get paid. What makes this give-and-take paradox so tricky is that different people have different views about where to draw the line between what they give freely and what they feel it fair to charge for. Different industries have different guidelines, too. Conversely, different people and industries have varying expectations about what to expect.
People in some professions, for example, are especially likely to complain about being hit by a brain drain when they meet people at social events. At a cocktail party a man says he’s a lawyer, and people have all kinds of questions about whether they have a case and what to do about it. A woman introduces herself as a doctor at a reception, and people ask her to diagnose this or that symptom or give them advice on how to treat a problem. The professional may not really want to answer, but if he or she tries to cut off the questions or invites people to contact them later for a consultation—meaning "Pay me for my services," people often get offended. Given this dilemma, some follow a strategy of not revealing their profession, such as one career counselor, who never said what he did. "Otherwise the evening would turn into one long counseling session."
Often writers are particularly afflicted by this free-for-me problem, such as when friends and family members ask for free copies of their latest article. The people who ask think it’s flattery to show interest, and they get offended if the writer is reluctant to give them a copy, sometimes because they think the writer gets the article for free or for a small amount, so why not give them a copy. But as one writer complained in an e-mail: "Why should you give away all that hard work for free? It’s like asking someone in retail (who owns their own shop) to hand out free clothes. I’m willing to give them a discount, yes, but that’s it."
Yet, the paradox of resenting it when others ask you for free information, services, or products because of a personal relationship is that you may resent it yourself when you ask others for free information, services, or products, and they say no. That’s exactly what happened when one writer offered to sell other writers some PR lists of media contacts she had put together after spending about 100 hours and $500 on the project. Several writers strongly objected. One felt offended that the woman with the lists wanted to "sell, not tell." Another complained that she herself had spent a few hours researching a list of lawyers for another writer who needed some legal help. "And I wouldn’t dream of asking her for any money," she exclaimed. Ironically, these are the same writers who object when others ask them for free articles.
Thus, the big paradox is that we often expect free information, services, or products from others because of their personal or social relationship with us. Yet we don’t feel it is right when others ask us to provide information, services, or products that we have to offer because of our special skills. Certainly, it’s fine if you want to offer these freely. But if you don’t want to do so, saying no should be legitimate, too, and likewise you shouldn’t resent it when others resist a request.
What Should Anyone Confronted by the Give-and-Take Paradox Do?
Here are some possibilities. What would you do when confronted by the give-and-take paradox and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be?
- Diplomatically explain this is what you do for a living and invite the person to call you later if he or she still needs help.
- Don’t tell people what you really do, so they won’t ask you for free advice.
- Explain that you don’t talk business in a social gathering and change the subject.
- Spend about two or three minutes helping the person as best you can in this time and showing off what you know; then give the person a card and invite him or her to contact you later for more help.
- Briefly offer some help; then give the person a flyer about the services you offer, should he or she need further help.
- Other?
In my view, the way to distinguish when it’s appropriate to ask for and hope for freebies versus when it’s appropriate to say no is to distinguish between what you or someone else does as a side activity—and what you or someone else does as a job or profession to make a living. If you do something as a hobby or sideline, rather than to make money, it’s quite reasonable to volunteer your help or services and not expect to get paid. Likewise, it’s reasonable to expect someone to help out you out freely if that activity is a hobby or sideline for them.
But once something becomes a profession or skill you use to earn money, that’s a different situation. Then, it becomes reasonable to not give your work away for free and to find a diplomatic or lighthearted way to say no when friends, family, or social acquaintances ask. For instance, like the career counselor does at parties, kiddingly tell people you "are not on duty tonight," or like some writers, lawyers, and doctors do, offer friends and associates a discount on your products or services. Still another way of being diplomatic is to put off the conversation for now with a comment like: "I’d love to talk to you more about that. But I’d like to do so at a time when we can have a more serious conversation. Or if it’s a product, you might say something like: "Why don’t you give me a call in the office and we can talk about it then." Through such means you help to make a separation between dealing with an informal request for a freebie from a personal contact and handling this in a more serious or professional manner during your work time.
In any case, when such product or service requests in social situations occur, make it clear when you are relating to someone as a friend and when you are actually doing work, such as by stating when you are going to start doing some work for them. Or perhaps use a phrase like: "Okay, we’re on the clock now, right?" to indicate what you expect and whether the other person agrees. This clarity can help make your relationship go more smoothly when you play two roles. If you keep the line fuzzy, misunderstandings and resentments often build up, such as when others think you should be doing something as a friendly favor, when you feel you have a right to expect to be paid.
Alternatively, if you are in a situation where you want help from a friend, family member, or social contact with a service, information, or product you want, be sensitive to how that person may feel when you ask for it. Don’t put that person under pressure to say yes, when he or she may really want to say no. Yes, you may get something for free for now, but resentments are likely to grow. Rather, a good way to help preserve the relationship and keep the personal and work roles separate is to show your willingness to pay for that service, information, or product, or perhaps ask about any special discounts for friends and acquaintances. But then let the other person take it from there in offering what he or she feels is fair. This way you can better maintain the distinction between your personal and work relationships, and avoid the confusion and conflict that often result when you mix them up.
Today’s Take-Aways:
- Often "free" and "friendship" don’t mix well in giving or getting professional services.
- If you value a product or service a personal contact has to offer, be willing to pay and don’t expect it for free.
- If you don’t want to give away a product or service to personal contacts who ask for it, don’t feel guilty for wanting to say no. Instead, find a comfortable and diplomatic way to say this to keep your work and social words distinct.