You’ve probably heard the expression from the popular song "The Gambler": "You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em; You’ve got to know when to fold ‘em." Well, you’ve also got to know when to "let ‘em go." In other words, know when to stop the game or walk away—in relationships, not just in cards or financial deals.
That’s what one of my clients—let’s call her Susan—discovered when a long-term social relationship that evolved into a work relationship broke down. Susan, an administrative assistant in a big company, got used to seeing Anna socially at parties, at an after-work pub, and at occasional Chamber of Commerce mixers. Soon they were friends, talking about personal experiences and parties, and Susan told Anna about her plans to develop a career doing public relations and advertising, initially alongside her current work. A few months later, when Anna, who worked as a training consultant, hoped to start a training program for executives and managers on motivating and rewarding employees, she hired Susan to help her with the marketing campaign.
At first, the relationship seemed like a match made in heaven. When Susan presented her PR and marketing ideas and wrote marketing copy, Anna raved about them. She used superlatives like: "You’re the greatest!" "You’ve got a real gift!" and "You write that so fast and well!" Between conversations on marketing and PR, they also took time to chat about the latest parties and gossip. "I’ll deduct that time from my billing," Susan said, never wanting to take advantage of the friendship they shared.
Over the next months, Anna became a more and more demanding client. She called Susan to ask for a few minutes of advice every now and then, and when Susan added these to the bill, Anna got angry. "You’re nickel and dime-ing me. That’s no way to treat your customers." So Susan backed down, not wanting to hurt both a client and a friend.
Another time, Anna had a rush project, and when Susan said she could do it in place of another project, thinking Anna would appreciate her effort, Anna yelled at her, saying: "Are you trying to make me feel guilty that you are giving up work for me?" "No, no," Susan protested, apologizing profusely to placate Anna’s feelings. After all, they had been such good friends, and since Susan was just starting her PR–advertising career, she didn’t want to make any mistakes to offend her first client.
You can probably guess where this is going. Again and again, Anna criticized something Susan was doing, and Susan tried to smooth over the relationship by apologizing and sometimes adjusting the bill. The climax finally came when Anna had still another PR deadline. After Susan gave up a weekend and worked hard to meet it, Anna complained of mistakes, which Susan thought were due to unclear instructions from Anna and an outside vendor Anna hired to assist on the project. But when Anna wanted to schedule a conference call to discuss exactly what went wrong with the outside vendor, Susan backed down. "Can’t we just agree there were communication breakdowns and split the difference?" Susan suggested, not wanting to engage in extended recriminations over what happened. But Anna was insistent. "No. How can I pay you anything, if you won’t discuss what went wrong?"
What Should Susan Do?
Here are some possibilities. In Susan’s place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be?
- Send Anna a letter explaining your position and why Anna should pay.
- Tell Anna exactly what you think went wrong, including all the ways you feel Anna’s own actions were unreasonable.
- Discuss the unclear instructions and outside vendor problems as diplomatically as possible, since this is what Anna wants.
- Give Anna a credit for the $1000 and hope for the best next time, since you don’t want to lose the money and friendship, and every business has to put up with some difficult clients.
- Decide what’s more important—keeping Anna as a friend and giving her the benefit of the doubt again, standing up to her whatever the consequences, or ending both the friendship and the business and moving on?
- Other?
For a moment Susan considered what to do; then finally said: "Well, then don’t pay me at all." She walked away, giving up about $1000 in income. Yet for Susan, leaving felt liberating. She felt like she had been trying to preserve the friendship and the new client relationship for too long. Again and again, she had given Anna the benefit of the doubt as the customer, since she (Susan) was fairly new to the field. She had deferred to Anna’s criticisms and had let Anna define what was the proper way to treat a customer, even though she increasingly felt that Anna was asking for too much. Yet, afraid to confront Anna and threaten the relationship, Susan repeatedly backed down—until now.
Such scenarios happen again and again. You are new to doing something. You have developed a relationship with a friend, associate, coworker, or boss. You are afraid to rock the boat. You feel something is wrong in what the other person is asking of you, but aren’t sure. You want to give someone the benefit of the doubt and show respect and deference. For whatever reason, you let a relationship that has lasted too long drag on.
When that happens, it may be worth it to simply walk away and let that relationship go. Whether you are firing a customer, breaking the ties with a friend, leaving that difficult boss or job, it’s time to move on. You may have to experience some financial or psychic cost to do so. But in the long run, the act of disconnecting is worth it. It’s time to simply LET GO!
Today’s Take-Aways:
- Don’t get stuck holding on too long when the relationship is sinking.
- When you’re in a leaky relationship, it’s time to bail out—and then get out.
- If holding or folding isn’t working for you, it’s time to let go— and GO!