Commonly, you don’t think a trusted friend or associate is going to defraud you. You think if you feel close to someone, trust that person with personal confidences, and act in a spirit of good will to help him or her, particularly through a difficult period, he or she will reciprocate in kind. Well, yes, usually, that’s the case. So we learn to trust and think our helpful actions will be appreciated and evoke a like response from others. We even have terms to express these ideals, such as: "You get back what you put out," "What goes around comes around."
However, those ideals also make it easy for someone who is a con artist at heart to take advantage of you, especially when you lay down your defenses out of trust and a desire to be helpful. In fact, that willingness to trust and believe people are who they say they are has opened the doors to the so-called social engineers, who talk their way into getting confidential company information and perpetrate big-bucks scams. Usually, such scams result from short-term encounters, even seeming business friendships that develop on the phone, such as the personable financial analyst with a get rich for sure investment scheme. Then, when the scheme collapses and people discover the truth, they may feel duped and taken advantage of. But they don’t usually experience the intense sense of deep personal betrayal that comes from building up a long-term close relationship. Very often they feel ashamed, embarrassed, and guilty at having being tricked. But the personal betrayal is far more devastating, since it undermines bonds of closeness and intimacy, too. So how do you protect yourself from such a betrayal? Or how do you deal with if it happens to you?
That’s what happened to Annette, a small gift products company owner, when she took Sarah, a new employee, under her wing. She met Sarah at a local business networking group, where she had been on a panel discussing how to develop sales leads for any type of business. Afterwards, Sarah spoke about how she had just arrived in town, and Annette felt an immediate bond with her, because they had both overcome some early challenges—first as teenagers overcoming learning disabilities and then escaping bad marriages to strike out on their own. Usually, Sarah didn’t speak so openly about personal matters, but she found Annette so personable and engaging that she felt an immediate sense of trust. Annette also felt protective after learning that Sarah had been downsized out of a sales job for a home furnishing company when it experienced hard times. So Sarah had come to the West Coast to start a new life.
The upshot of the meeting was that within a few days, Annette offered to let Sarah stay in her spare bedroom while Sarah got settled. Annette even let her use her car and phone. Then, a week later, after Sarah still hadn’t found a job, Annette invited her to do a project for her company that involved making corrections to update a file of sales leads she had gathered. "You just have to enter those corrections in the new information system," Annette explained. Annette said she couldn’t pay Sarah very much, but figured that Sarah would appreciate the extensive help she had given her by opening up her home to her and so would be agreeable to being paid what Annette might otherwise pay a part-time student. Seemingly Sarah agreed. "Sure," she smiled. "I’ll be glad to help out." So Annette gave her all the files.
Then, over the next few weeks, Sarah presumably made the corrections, using Annette’s phone in a spare room turned into an office. Every few days Sarah described what she had been doing, and Annette paid her, thinking everything was fine, until finally Sarah said she had finished the project. She handed Annette all the files and said she had found a regular job, though she still needed a few more days to move to her own place. Then, with much thanks, she told Annette how truly helpful she had been. "Great," Annette said, thinking everything was fine, and pleased at how she had been able to help someone who had become a true friend.
But when Annette got her phone bill a few weeks later, she discovered several hundred dollars in calls back East. That same day, she received a notice from the court stating that she had two unpaid parking tickets about to double in price unless they were paid. Annette was stunned and immediately confronted Sarah about the phone calls and parking tickets.
"But you said I could use the phone to look for jobs," Sarah protested, though the phone calls were not for local area job calls. Besides, Sarah claimed, "I don’t know anything about the tickets."
Then, in the morning, Sarah was gone, leaving a note that she was going to stay with a friend she had met. As Annette stared at the note, she felt upset and betrayed, feeling Sarah had taken advantage of her kindness and help. But the worse was yet to come. When Annette looked at the files of sales leads that Sarah had supposedly corrected and entered into the information system, she found that Sarah hadn’t done anything at all. So not only was she four weeks behind in getting the work done, but she had paid Sarah, as well.
The experience left her shaken, wondering if she could trust anyone, and she spent dozens of extra hours herself to do the work Sarah hadn’t done. Plus Annette had about $500 in extra bills to pay. For a time, she considered suing Sarah, but concluded "What’s the point?," thinking that Sarah would probably not have any money to pay her, even if she won. Nor did she want to relive the experience in putting together her case. Rather, Annette decided simply to move on, though the incident left her feeling a loss of confidence not only in others but also in herself because she had been so wrong in befriending and deeply confiding in someone she thought she could trust.
What Should Annette Do—or What Should She Have Done?
Here are some possibilities. In Annette’s place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be?
- Make sure it is clear what you are offering to do to help someone, such as stating that the phone is only for local calls.
- Ask Sarah to sign a written contract stating what you are offering and what she is promising to do.
- Ask more questions about what Sarah says she has done, and ask to see the records to make sure she has done it, before giving her the job.
- Spend some time with Sarah to watch her do the work to see that she is doing it correctly.
- Take Sarah to court even if there isn’t any money now; if she is so good at conning people, she’ll probably have money in the future, and since she may not show up, you’ll win by default.
- Take more time to check out people in the future, regardless of how charming and trustworthy they seem to be.
- Other?
Probably in this case, moving on was the best thing Annette could do in order to put the incident behind her. There was little point in suing, not only because Sarah might not have the money, but because of their close personal connection. Since Sarah had been living in her house, Sarah might easily claim this was just a misunderstanding about what she had permission to do. And Sarah might have come up with her own slick convincing story about how she had done some work for Annette, so this was another misunderstanding, too.
Unfortunately, Annette’s big mistake had come early on, when she was too quick to trust and then combined her personal relationship with a business relationship. Thus, she let her personal ties overcome her business sense, so she hired Sarah without the usual checks that she might have employed in hiring someone she didn’t know. Then, too, because she was very busy and placed too much trust in Sarah, she didn’t carefully check on what Sarah was doing—just relied on her descriptions every few days of what she had done. But Annette didn’t think to spot check what Sarah said she had done to make sure that not only had she done it, but also had done it right. As a result, she left the door open for Sarah to get away with not doing anything. Certainly, had Sarah been skilled and not a con artist, such trust in a new friendship might have worked out fine, and the employment arrangement might have worked out well, too.
But the problem is that when you enter into a relationship so quickly, you just can’t know. Someone could turn out to be a great friend, employee, partner, or other business associate, but you can’t be sure so soon. Thus, it’s best to let a relationship develop more slowly and use some checks along the way to make sure everything is as the other person says it is. This careful process is especially critical when you combine both the personal and professional, since you can lose doubly should things go wrong, as happened with Annette. Sarah not only betrayed their friendship and took money from Annette, but she committed a fraud against Annette’s business as well both in taking money and falsely claiming she did work she didn’t do.
Yes, it may feel uncomfortable to check out someone who you think of as a friend or have a close relationship with. But remind yourself that business is business, and perhaps explain to the person that this is your policy; that it’s something your accountant or lawyer requires; or provide some other explanation to smooth the way. Then, check before you hire as you would any other new employee—do it yourself or use a pro to check for you. Today, you can’t always be sure that people are who they say they are, especially when someone new comes into town. Just remember, con artists can con you because they are so personable and charming. So check carefully—and as in most relationships, take time to let it develop, since you are less likely to lose your money or your heart, or both.
Today’s Take-Aways:
- Before you can fully trust people, you have to know who they are, and that takes time.
- Don’t rush the trust process and give up too much of yourself too quickly; take the time; otherwise someone could "take" you.
- To take the con out of con artists take the time to get to knowsomeone and learn what she is all about. You might see her in a new and much brighter light that shows who she really is.
- Before you trust someone with both yourself and your business, make sure he or she deserves your trust.
- Do some checking before you starting writing checks to be sure the person you are checking on checks out.